Baby Reindeer: Barriers Men and Boys Face After Sexual Assault

Baby Reindeer, created by Richard Gadd, was nominated for 11 Emmys, and took home 6 including Outstanding Lead Actor In A Limited Or Anthology Series Or Movie – 2024.(2) The show is controversial for many reasons. In chatting about it as a team, some Love146 staff couldn’t finish it. Viewing it may not be beneficial for you; to say it’s heavy is an understatement. If you haven’t watched it, please don’t take this article as an endorsement or recommendation to do so or not.

In reaching #1 on Netflix, it’s brought up a conversation that is often overlooked — one that acknowledges how especially tough it can be for men and boys to seek help. They are often told either by society or by individuals that their victimization is their own fault or that their experiences aren’t valid. These are barriers we must continue to break down not just in society; but also in our circles of family and friends. We need to better support all survivors including males to ensure that no one feels isolated in their journey of recovery.

For the many who’ve noticed or watched Baby Reindeer, we want to provide some framework to reflect on the critical issues it raises— particularly the stigma around sexual assault of men and boys.

Making Room for Male Survivors

One of the issues explored in Baby Reindeer is the difficulty men and boys face in disclosing sexual assault, especially when their experiences don’t fit into the stereotypical narrative of victimization. The first episode opens with Donny, the main character, attempting to report his stalker and perpetrator to the police. He’s met with skepticism. This mirrors the real-life challenges we see men and boys facing. 

The stereotype that men and boys always want sex leads to harmful misconceptions when they’re victimized. If they’re assaulted by a man, straight men may face the assumption that they must be gay which, fueled by homophobia, can create an additional barrier to coming forward. For gay and queer men, the assumption that their victimization somehow ‘makes sense’ or is expected is also damaging, reducing their trauma to a matter of sexual orientation rather than recognizing the criminal act of assault. Meanwhile, if the perpetrator is a woman, society may dismiss the assault as trivial or even a compliment. These attitudes fail to acknowledge the trauma faced by all survivors, regardless of their sexual orientation. We must start challenging society to respond differently.

In the series, Donny is questioned on why he’s waited so long to file a report. As time passes, survivors can feel even more responsible, thinking that their delay in reporting invalidates their experience. This is compounded by the idea that men and boys should welcome any sexual attention or be able to defend themselves if the attention is unwanted. But the truth is that someone’s gender, or the time frame in which they report the victimization, does not make assault less real.

According to Psychology Today,(3) “Among adult men with a history of childhood sexual abuse, data indicates that on average it takes approximately 21 years before males disclose sexual abuse.” In Baby Reindeer, Donny’s slow realization that his experience crossed a line reflects this painful process of coming to terms with victimization. After having encountered multiple perpetrators, by the time he acknowledges that what’s happening to him is wrong, the assaults have been going on for so long that he feels complicit.

The “Perfect Victim” Myth

One harmful barrier survivors face is the myth of the “perfect victim.” There’s an expectation that a survivor should be completely passive, powerless, and innocent, but the reality is much more complicated. In Baby Reindeer, Donny’s story, like so many others, is messy: he continues to interact with people who have assaulted him, he struggles with substance use, and he becomes aggressive at times. Complexities like these can make it hard for victims to come forward, especially if they fear others will point to their actions or coping mechanisms to discredit their experiences. People often believe that only “perfect victims” deserve sympathy—those who seem small, helpless, immediately seek escape, fight back, and don’t do things we think are wrong. Challenge that thinking if you feel it in yourself. Victimization happens to real complex humans. We shouldn’t expect otherwise – and all victims deserve our compassion and justice.

Using Representation to Challenge Stereotypes 

Representation is critical. We believe that when survivors see stories like theirs, they’re more likely to recognize their experiences as valid and seek support.

Baby Reindeer has brought up conversations about male sexual assault, helping some men and boys feel seen for the first time. In the months following the premiere, We Are Survivors, a UK-based organization serving male survivors of sexual assault reported an 80% spike(4) in first-time callers asking about their services. 

We’ve noticed a similar effect in our work at Love146(5). When we began our prevention education in the US over a decade ago, we initially didn’t receive many disclosures from boys. This was one reason we developed Not a Number. In our prevention program, we made sure to be inclusive of boys and to talk about the variety of ways victimization can happen. By including these stories we allowed space for boys to start coming forward with their own experiences and within weeks, we began recieving disclosures from boys.

Toward a World Free from Sexual Violence

Shame, self-blame, trauma, and rigid ideas of masculinity can hinder survivors from seeking help. At Love146, our Prevention Education and Survivor Care programs are designed to reach all youth, including boys, providing a safe space for them to disclose, process, and heal. Baby Reindeer sheds light on the barriers that remain and highlights the work still needed to better support survivors. We must continue breaking down these barriers to create a world free from sexual violence.